LOST, TOO
by Dreamweaver67
Summary: Companion to LOST. Pete has proposed to Sam. Sam's POV. Spoilers for Affinity


_Disclaimer: No, they're not mine. They belong to Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions and MGM. (However, if they were mine, we could all have a lot of fun!) I reap no profit, but my own mental health._

_Spoilers: Affinity_

_Season: 8_

_Author's Note: This is a companion piece to LOST. Thanks to Goomba and Whoa Nellie for the encouragement._

**LOST, TOO**

"Pete gave me this."

Sam knew, as soon as the words were out of her mouth, that there had to be a better way to tell him. She had no idea how Jack would react; wasn't even sure how she felt about Pete's proposal and so she cringed inwardly as she blurted out that last statement.

Jack's fingers brushed hers ever so slightly as he took the small black box she held out. She felt, rather than saw, his quick intake of breath as he opened the box to reveal the shining solitaire Pete had bought. Yes, it was beautiful. She'd told Pete so when he gave it to her.

"People usually wear these on their fingers," he told her, a slight tightening around his mouth betraying his tension. Sam knew he never felt comfortable any time emotions were discussed, even someone else's emotions. She held his eyes, trying without success to read his thoughts. What was he thinking?

What was she thinking? He was her CO. No matter how close a friendship they shared, he was still her CO. Especially here, at the SGC, with both of them in uniform for the whole base to see. If she wanted the opinion of Jack, her friend, she should have sought him out off base, at his house, off duty. But she hadn't quite been able to bring herself to do that. And now he had sought her out, noticing her distraction. As, she admitted to herself, she had known he would.

"I haven't said yes," she told him.

"And yet – you haven't said no."

"I told him I needed to think about it."

"And?"

"That was two weeks ago."

Had it really been two weeks since Pete had asked her to marry him? And if it took two weeks to make up her mind, did she really love him enough to spend the rest of her life with him? She hadn't even mentioned Pete's proposal to Daniel or Teal'c yet. If she was going to marry Pete, shouldn't she be running to her friends? A sudden thought crossed her mind.

"What about you? If things had been different…."

A fleeting look of – was it sadness? Regret? – crossed Jack's face. "I wouldn't be here."

Sam watched him leave her lab. There were so many things his answer could mean. If Charlie hadn't died; if he and Sarah hadn't divorced; if he had never joined the Stargate program. If one or both of them had resigned after the za'tarc testing.

Sam wasn't sure how long she stared at her empty door, her thoughts racing. Shaking her head, she finally forced her attention back to her computer screen. Finally realizing that she had been staring at the same screen for twenty minutes without seeing anything on it, she closed her computer and headed home.

She automatically flipped on the lights as she entered her house. She scowled briefly as she turned them back off. She was rarely home before dark and late afternoon sun was flooding her home. Deciding to take advantage of the sunlight, she quickly changed into shorts and a t-shirt and let herself back out the door. After checking that the door was locked, she stretched quickly and set off down the sidewalk at a brisk run.

The nearby park was almost deserted. Most people were on their way home from work or having dinner. Sam only passed a few people walking their dogs as her feet pounded the pavement in a steady rhythm. Automatically she avoided them, lost in her own thoughts.

Even now, with Pete's proposal foremost in her mind, she knew that she still loved Jack, would in fact love him the rest of her life. But she also knew that she wanted a life outside her job. Exciting as it was, she craved normal. Someone to come home to, share off duty time, holidays and picnics and taking out the trash. She had put off having a life for eight years.

She had told herself while stranded on the _Prometheus_ that she had clung to her feelings for Jack, using him as a safe bet. She still wondered if that were true. Her dad had told her that she was missing something in her life. Then Pete had come along.

Sam had been hesitant when Mark had wanted to introduce her to Pete, but his boyish good looks and easy going manner had won her over. Did she love him? Yes. Did she love him enough to marry him and spend the rest of her life with him? Maybe.

Briefly she considered going to Jack. Now. Catching him when they were both off duty and asking him if he still felt anything for her. She was sure he had, sure enough to stake her life, and his, on it. But it had been so long since they had acknowledged it that she doubted whether his feelings had endured the years.

Pete was pushing her for an answer. He was being nice about it, humorous even, but his patience was getting thinner each time she talked to him. This shouldn't be about Jack. It should be Pete that she was thinking of when she thought of future plans.

Pete made her laugh. In lots of ways, big and small. Even stopping by the grocery with Pete was an adventure. He knew her job, understood the stress of having people depend entirely on her. As a cop, he could handle the uncertainty. He had the security clearance that would allow her to discuss her missions, at least to an extent. He understood the teamwork necessary, the partnership she shared with Daniel and Teal'c, even Jack himself.

Sam reached the far end of the park and effortlessly turned and began running back the path that would lead to her house. She remembered walking this path with Pete, discussing classic movies. He was easy to be with, to talk to. Just as important, he was easy to be quiet with. He didn't always understand that she didn't want to rehash every detail of every mission but he was learning to back off. Pete loved to solve mysteries – it was part of what made him a good cop – but he had finally accepted that there were some things she simply wasn't able to tell him. Of course, being shot by an alien with glowing gold eyes and delusions of godhood had gone a long way towards showing him just why her job was so highly classified.

If only it had been Jack who asked, who wanted her in his life. Sam sighed and increased her speed. Jack hadn't asked. She wasn't even sure he still cared. She knew Pete loved her. Could that be enough? To be loved as her father had loved her mother. Would that be enough for her?

As she turned out of the park and started home in the glow of a sunset painted rose and gold and purple and indigo, she acknowledged that her chance of a future with Jack O'Neill was slim. They had agreed that the job, that Earth, had to come first. It seemed that the day when the Goa'uld were defeated would never happen. No matter what they tried, there were still battles to be fought and often only the SGC and SG-1 to fight them. Sam was tired of waiting, tired of putting the rest of the planet ahead of her own wants. And Jack, well, Jack treated her as he always had, with friendship and respect and caring, but with no stronger emotion. Sam feared that he had shut her out of his life in any way other than as a team member.

Tears began to flow just as she reached her own drive. She did a minimal cool down, anxious to get inside. She shut the door behind her and leaned heavily against it, closing her eyes to shut out the pain. She was sure now that Jack would never ask her to marry him, that he felt no more for her than for Daniel or Teal'c. If he had, he would have said something when she handed him Pete's ring. She knew Jack. If he felt anything for her, he would have given her some sign, some small indication, but he had simply set the ring down and left.

Wearily she pushed away from the door and made her way to the shower, scrubbing the tears from her face. So Jack didn't love her any longer. And once she figured out how to live with that knowledge, she would accept Pete's proposal. Just as soon as she could look Pete in the eyes and say 'Yes" without wishing he was Jack. With a shake of her head, she realized that she would never be able to do that. All right then, as soon as she could look Pete in the eye and not let him know that she wished he was Jack. She could bury her love for Jack deep in her heart, cover it with the lesser love she felt for Pete and have that life she wanted. It would be enough. She would make it be enough. Pete loved her. She could make sure he never knew that he was the one she was settling for, not the love of her lifetime. Tonight she would mourn what might have been and would now never be. Jack had moved on; it was time for her to do the same.

She would start tomorrow.


End file.
